Mid-week Gotta Share from PoSARC
What was your dday?
For most women, there were many episodes of uncovering bits of evidence, stumbling over contradictions, and then questioning our husband or boyfriend. We had no notion of the massive bottom to the iceberg on which we stood. But those episodes weren’t ddays.
Dday is something else altogether. Dday is when you grasp you have been deliberately deceived by your life partner on core value ground. You may not know all the who, what, where, when or why’s—but you know there’s been a breach in your relationship that is a critical breach. It’s not about a crisis that reveals illness, a mental lapse of some kind, or a stress related behavioral problem. Dday is when you perceive for the first time that he is “okay” with hurting you. That, in my opinion, is dday. And for me, that meant I was suddenly alone.
The Big Boundary Bluff
Lili Bee and her team at www.posarc.com have launched their second video set in their “Survivors” series. It features Tania Rochelle talking about her journey out of darkness into the light of new day in her life—where hope, joy, meaningful work, laughter and love all thrive in a life where she is safe from domestic violence endured from her compulsive-abusive sexual-relational disordered man. You can view Parts 1 & 2 here: http://www.posarc.com/blog Lili Bee writes an introduction and then if you scroll down you can see the videos there. Enjoy!
And here’s the link to the “Starting Over” post that Tania guest-blogged here on her new life, in case you haven’t read that one yet: https://www.yourstoryissafehere.com/blog/startingover
THANK YOU LILI BEE AND THE POSARC TEAM FOR THESE GREAT VIDEOS. THANK YOU TANIA, FOR OPENING UP YOUR LIFE TO SO MANY WOMEN!
I received a message this week from an exasperated wife. She had come to realize the farce of all the boundary work she had been asked to do to save him and their marriage. Nearly ten years ago I remember thinking the same thing about all the “keep ‘em busy and let them think it will make a difference” boundary work the industry and even partner advocates espoused. Somehow it just didn’t make a lot of sense.
And nearly ten years later, I have a better idea of why it didn’t make sense then, and now. So, I’ve listed the points I believe wives and partners should consider before they comply with the industry’s boundary homework assignments.
When Practitioners Can't Bear "Bearing Witness"
They aren’t the same for all wives and partners, but they have a lot in common.
Magic Words are the words you try to imagine your compulsive-abusive sexual-relational disordered man saying that would “change everything.” They are the words that would tell you he was different now—but not just different because some of his secrets were exposed and he has to do massive damage control. The magic words would tell you he was no longer cruel, that he was trustworthy, that he was who you thought he was instead of who he turned out to be, that he wouldn’t lie again or play Russian roulette with your heart, soul, body and mind.
It’s taken a lot to get you to this place. First, you had to get him to go to an appointment with this sex addiction treatment practitioner. That process took hours—searching for information and resources, learning vocabulary and approaches, finding practitioners nearby, and choosing which one seemed the best fit. Then began the bargaining, begging, threatening, and arguing needed to convince him to go to the appointment that you had to make on his behalf. After he went he told you how caring and understanding she was. And now it’s your turn to go.
Settling into your chair in the therapist’s office, you are nervous but also anticipating the first scrap of caring and safety you will have received since this whole nightmare began.