Five Questions Worth Asking Yourself
These aren’t easy questions. But they are important ones. I’ve asked them before in the context of other blog topics, but here I’ve gathered them up in one place for you to have and use.
Take some time with each one, and jot down your thoughts. What feelings does each question elicit? What thoughts come to mind? Don’t be afraid of what your heart, mind, body and spirit are showing you in your responses. Pay attention to yourself. Take yourself seriously. Remember, this is your one precious life. Live it as if you think it’s precious, too. Teach your children theirs is precious and show them what that means. And always, Light for the journey.
1. If you had known he was capable of such deception and harm to you and your family, would you have married him?
Why is this question important?
You have learned that he is so damaged and disordered that he hurts you and your children at core value levels of trust, truth, honesty, family protection, security and loyalty. Further, you know he would still be hard at it except that you found out. When we discover who we actually married or chose as a life partner, it’s a shock. We may even be vulnerable to suggestions that the “real” person is the one we thought we married, as if the years or decades of developing a secret life are a “glitch” to be fixed with a therapeutic reset button. But that is not the case. He hid who he really was in order to gain your trust and commitment. That’s who he really is. But it’s really hard to let go of what we thought he was and come to terms with who he really is. It’s unlikely he can become someone else at this stage of life without real psychiatric diagnosis and care. It certainly won’t happen in a treatment industry that treats a symptom as “a disease” and overlooks his core value level symptoms of character formation and psychiatric function. Over the last ten years no one I asked this question has ever said “Yes, I would marry him again.” Sometimes we need to stop absorbing the abuse for which we unknowingly signed up, and stop asking our children to absorb it. You didn’t know who he really was. And you probably would not have married him if you did.
2. If your child told you the story of their spouse that you have to tell about yours, what would you want them to do about it?
Why is the question important?
Would you encourage your child to stay longer and endure more of it, or suggest they spend their savings and load up credit card debt on treatment that has no publishable results indicating positive outcomes? Probably not. If you would want them to choose another path, however, why will they if you haven’t shown them how? Or worse, what if you have modelled the exact opposite? If we treat our own life as worth less than his, we can expect our children to follow that example. Instead of honoring their sacred value in every decision, they will see we didn’t do that for our own lives. We never showed them they can start over, even though it may be difficult, because their love is worth more than this. The most courageous thing we can do for our children is to value our life as we want them to value theirs.
3. Are you taking all the risks in his “recovery”?
Why is this question important?
Why, when he took all the risks with you and your children’s lives—mental and physical health, financial security, social and work relationships, job security, school and job performance, etc.—are you being expected knowingly to take more of them? It is not right for his best interests to be protected at your and your children’s expense. He created this nightmare so why are you and your children always the ones who have to pay for it? You have a right to know the information you need to have to make the best decision for your and your children’s wellbeing. And you deserve to have that information in a timely manner. Instead, his interests are protected at all times, not yours or your children’s. You take all the risks, even in “recovery.” The one thing that real trauma care offers us is some form of risk assessment process, so that we make informed decisions, not uninformed ones. Don’t make a bad situation worse by taking all the risks. (See my resource Stop Taking all The Risks on the menu bar under resources)
4. Did his recovery team advise you that his best interests would be put before yours or your children’s in the recovery program?
Why is this question important?
The recovery team, including anyone assigned to you for any reason at all, can often present as people there to help you. But they are not there to help you with the same priority care they give him and his best interests. They are there to help you feel better enough so that they can convince you to align with their recovery goals for your husband and your relationship. They will likely ask if you share those goals, without any reference to your needs for symptoms inventory, medical tests, assessment, treatment recommendations, treatment and referral, all of which is needed for your appropriate care. Of course you will answer positively that you share goals for his recovery and your relationship—and that’s all they need to pursue their mandate for his recovery and keeping you in the relationship, without any concern for whether your needs are ever identified, considered, addressed, or met. The less you understand about your experiences, symptoms, needs, and the standards and protocols for real trauma treatment, the better their program will work for their purposes. But the chances of any treatment practitioner, team or program laying that out alongside what that means about the limits of care and advocacy afforded you, are fairly low. They are his advocates. Not yours. Not your children’s. Any information that might negatively affect his interests in a separation or divorce, increase the likelihood that you will leave the relationship, or improve your position in settlement determination, for example, may be withheld from you. This is not in your or your children’s best interests. It protects him and him alone.
5. The final question is one I’m borrowing from Licensed Counselor and University Faculty Member, Tania Rochelle. She invites us to ask “Do I like myself in this relationship?”
Why is this question important?
Many women live their lives with self-esteem and self-worth deficits. One of the heavy contributors to this damage is the covert (and sometimes overt) abuse she endures from her compulsive-abusive sexual relational disordered man. His expertise at violating her love and trust by using it to make her doubt herself, accept his lies, stop asking questions that “make him angry”, and not standing up for herself because of his humiliation tactics used against her—all these contribute to the diminishing of her self-respect, self-love, and self-worth. With the slow drip of non-affirmation, silence, emotional and sexual abandonment she begins to set aside parts of herself. It’s like they no longer matter. Signs of depression creep in. Resignation takes over. For some women, even asking this question “Do I like myself in this relationship?” seems unrelated and irrelevant. She is so far from liking herself, from imagining joy in her own being, from the dignity and value of her precious life that she doesn’t even know how to answer it or why it matters.. These men are very good at what they do. And in some cases, as in mine, their family covert incest partners join in the fun of destroying you bit by bit. They don’t care how long it takes, as long as it’s working for their disordered purposes. Women begin to accept the blameshifting directed at her, and believes she is a problem and she causes the problems. Add in a serving of non-redemptive religious self-sacrifice and gender subordination, and you have the house misogyny blue plate special.
Contrast this tragic outcome with someone who likes herself in a relationship. She is uplifted and empowered in her life and her many gifts and skills. She is more of herself because he loves her, not less of herself. There is easy laughter every single day because life is funny every single day. There is acceptance and safety in times of trouble and sorrow as well as in times of peace and joy. As Dr. Phil puts it, she has “a soft place to fall” instead of walking alongside a cliff edge every day. While no relationship is without challenges, a good relationship never asks a woman to turn on herself. Yet when women begin to talk about their relationship with one of these men, she often begins with a litany of her own failings and limitations to set the stage for excusing his behavior. That’s a woman who has learned not to like herself. And so we ask “Do you like yourself in this relationship?”
AND JUST IN TIME FOR WOMEN READY TO WORK WITH QUESTIONS LIKE THESE:
Tania Rochelle’s first retreat for 2020!!!
https://www.sweetwaterretreats.org/upcoming-retreats
Enjoy Florida and enjoy being with women who understand what you are going through. Gain a sense of yourself again. Learn new skills and share insights about the special struggles we face.
And if you can’t wait until then, book a reduced rate trial session with me on the coaching page on the menu bar and let’s talk about your precious life.
With you,
Diane