PART TWO: In My Opinion

It’s hard to write about misogyny. No one wants it to be real. No one wants it to be “involved” in what Compulsive-abusive Sexual Relational Disordered[1] men do, or how the sex addiction treatment industry protects them at the expense of wives and partners. But misogyny is a social default setting.  We grow up in it. We are shaped by it. We work around it if possible. We have to know what it means and how it behaves, because our lives are actually at stake.

In writing these last few difficult blogs, I received messages from women caught in the very topics I’m discussing. They remind me that nothing I describe is “imagined” and I am not exaggerating. Women tell stories of the diseases he gave them, the criticism he levied at them, how he acted like he was “better” than them, how he humiliated them, and how he lied every single day of their lives together. They are not allowed to raise those topics because he and his treatment team accuse them of shaming him. Women write to me in disbelief. Coming face to face with the reality of misogyny can leave a woman speechless. But not me.

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TAKE TWO....Part One: In My Opinion

Sometimes I just try to say too much in one post. It doesn’t work well. So, I took down last Sunday’s post and I’m trying again. I just had to try again after a timely message from yet another woman whose life has been torn apart by discovering her husband’s secret life of sexual and sexualized activities conducted over decades. Devastated by PTSD, she was then traumatized by going to “SA couple’s counseling” (which I have warned women against doing). Her children are struggling with PTS symptoms as well. She doesn’t know where to turn for help so that she and her children will not be harmed further. I wish these stories were rare. They are not. So, I’m trying again.  

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Start Where You Are. Use What You Have. Do What You Can

Counselor and Author Tania Rochelle is my guest blogger this week while I do the 4000kms drive across the country with Marc and our 16 year old one-eyed rescue dog to Eastern Ontario. I’ll plant myself there for the next while, and hope to get some veggies planted, too! Meanwhile, Tania is the inspiration behind offering retreats for wives and partners and you can read more about that here www.sweetwaterretreats.org. She’s a brilliant writer, gifted counsellor and relentless advocate for wives and partners of men called sex addicts. Thank you, Tania.

One of the first clients I ever saw when I started practicing as a counselor in 2012 was a woman who was referred to me by her husband’s sex addiction therapist. After discovery, her husband had abandoned the family, rented a place at the lake, and bought a motorcycle, all the while claiming he wanted to reconcile and that he was working on his recovery. The wife—let’s call her Angela—was left to care for their two kids alone while Maverick cruised around on his hog or his jet ski. When she filed for divorce, her swore he’d ruin her. Six years later, he made good on that promise. He took everything, including the children. 

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Healing Continues: Spirituality

This is the third week touching upon topics related to our healing from the abuses and their impact that wives and partners endure from men called sex addicts. This series began after I did something no one else had ever done: I created and posted a list of the ways these men abused us. The following week I listed the impact of those abuses upon our lives. You added more. 

Some readers on public forums panicked after seeing those lists, trying to de-focus, distract, pivot, diminish and qualify the simple facts recorded there. The clarity of describing our experience also jolted some women out of their resignation, including those following religious pressures to stay and absorb the risks. I understand that our experience of abuse can create intense spiritual confusion for many women. So, let’s spend some time today finding ways to both heal our spirits and use our spirituality to heal our whole being.

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