When The Husbands Write Me
Once in a while some abuser husband writes me. I’ve had a few of those recently. In spite of the litany of “treatment” protocols in which they have participated, they don’t seem to have developed much self-awareness about their patterns and tools of abuse. They are still using those things to establish their “victimhood”, their “self-sacrifice”, their “recovery” in the story they tell and the plans they are making.
Sometimes they actually spell out me what they need me to say in order for them to put all the pieces together for their purposes. They may try and flatter me—yes I know how stupid that sounds, but they do. They may try and triangulate me with their therapist’s position on this or that (as if I’m going accept they are presenting a therapist’s position correctly and also believe they would present my position correctly). It’s all very utilitarian. The therapist has one use. I have another. And if both do as we are directed, their plan will come together.
The “problem” of children comes up again and again. With separation or divorce the therapeutic and court voices almost always advocate for co-parenting. Panic sets in. These men begin to realize they are not going to have much free time for their sexual and sexualized activities even if they only have to parent on the weekend. As it turns out, babies, toddlers, young children, teenagers, etc., are A LOT OF WORK! And while the men love to list off all the meetings and appointments in their treatment industry commitments to demonstrate their personal credibility, they are not ready to make a list of daily parenting commitments for their children and their responsible execution of those things. They don’t even want to know what those commitments might be. Dailiness can be such a bugger sometimes.
Most of us know this is why the treatment industry often urges wives and partners of these men are urged to stay in the relationship “for a least a year” (the most often reported suggestion I hear). Somebody needs to be the grown up and parent the children and he’s too busy in “recovery” treatment. If he has “recovery” things to do, the women can be so beaten down and exhausted that they can no longer even imagine the work of separation or divorce. How convenient.
Other men may take a false position that they are not “involved” with their children because the mother has “turned the children against them.” And apparently they can’t muster up any other behaviour to demonstrate their love and commitment. Also convenient. Or maybe the pursue the emotional masturbation approach that is “sensitive” to the harm they already have done and is not involved as away of “protecting” them all from further harm. Also convenient—and makes room for their continued lifestyle of sexual and sexualized activities.
“Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.”
Men who commit to their children financially, emotionally, spiritually, with physical presence and with their “free” time, all because they no longer make a secret life of sexual and sexualized activities their top priority for protection and nurture don’t need to write me. Instead, they choose to protect and nurture their children over their secret lives.
No, you may not use my work to justify your intent to abandon your children or the mother of your children. Take responsibility for the damage you have done, and the damage you will continue to do if you do not change your behaviour. Pay child support and spousal support in full and on time. Honour your custody commitments. You may have lost your wife but you owe your children your undivided commitment and practice of sober parenting. You OWE this to them. What's the point of all your impression management participation in so-called "treatment" if you would prefer to walk away from the troublesome human beings who cramp your lifestyle.
Grow up. Quit lying.
With wives and partners, always,
Diane.