Posts tagged the right thing for you
Healing Continues: Spirituality

This is the third week touching upon topics related to our healing from the abuses and their impact that wives and partners endure from men called sex addicts. This series began after I did something no one else had ever done: I created and posted a list of the ways these men abused us. The following week I listed the impact of those abuses upon our lives. You added more. 

Some readers on public forums panicked after seeing those lists, trying to de-focus, distract, pivot, diminish and qualify the simple facts recorded there. The clarity of describing our experience also jolted some women out of their resignation, including those following religious pressures to stay and absorb the risks. I understand that our experience of abuse can create intense spiritual confusion for many women. So, let’s spend some time today finding ways to both heal our spirits and use our spirituality to heal our whole being.

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Healing Continues: Sexuality

No one gets better all at once. Healing goes on as we pick up pieces of our life that still belong, set aside those pieces that no longer fit, and build new pieces for the gaps that remain. And, as many have come to realize we are changed forever by our experience as wives and partners of men called sex addicts. The person that begins to emerge on our healing journey isn’t exactly the same person we were. There’s a “before” and an “after” version of “me.”

That truth still chokes me up. It’s one thing to lose the life partner who was the love of your life and the one you trusted with your children’s lives—but it’s another kick in the teeth to lose yourself. It’s back to square one. PTSD runs over nearly 70% of us like a Mack truck according to published research by Dr. B. Steffens. Some of the strengths you are counting on within yourself just aren’t there when you call them up. Some of the skills out of which you make a living may be compromised. Some of the comforts in being “you” are moving targets now. Healing continues as your life unfolds with different liabilities and different assets.

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Trying To Do The Right Thing

We are women of integrity and caring. We think about the wellbeing of others, even when those others have hurt us. Our high level core values are real. They inspire us, guide us and constrain us. We may rant and cry and swear about the cruelty visited upon us by the person we loved and their treatment gang, but when push comes to shove it’s very hard for us to make a decision without asking “What is the right thing to do here?”

 It’s ironic. This is the very question about which our men called sex addicts have no concerns and never ask as they overtly and covertly abuse us (and sometimes our children, too). The core values that would give this question voice are not values that hold their lives together and interpret what their lives mean.

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