Posts in making decisions
Healing Continues: Spirituality

This is the third week touching upon topics related to our healing from the abuses and their impact that wives and partners endure from men called sex addicts. This series began after I did something no one else had ever done: I created and posted a list of the ways these men abused us. The following week I listed the impact of those abuses upon our lives. You added more. 

Some readers on public forums panicked after seeing those lists, trying to de-focus, distract, pivot, diminish and qualify the simple facts recorded there. The clarity of describing our experience also jolted some women out of their resignation, including those following religious pressures to stay and absorb the risks. I understand that our experience of abuse can create intense spiritual confusion for many women. So, let’s spend some time today finding ways to both heal our spirits and use our spirituality to heal our whole being.

Read More
Healing Continues: Sexuality

No one gets better all at once. Healing goes on as we pick up pieces of our life that still belong, set aside those pieces that no longer fit, and build new pieces for the gaps that remain. And, as many have come to realize we are changed forever by our experience as wives and partners of men called sex addicts. The person that begins to emerge on our healing journey isn’t exactly the same person we were. There’s a “before” and an “after” version of “me.”

That truth still chokes me up. It’s one thing to lose the life partner who was the love of your life and the one you trusted with your children’s lives—but it’s another kick in the teeth to lose yourself. It’s back to square one. PTSD runs over nearly 70% of us like a Mack truck according to published research by Dr. B. Steffens. Some of the strengths you are counting on within yourself just aren’t there when you call them up. Some of the skills out of which you make a living may be compromised. Some of the comforts in being “you” are moving targets now. Healing continues as your life unfolds with different liabilities and different assets.

Read More
What Kind of Primary Relationship Does the Treatment Industry Have in Mind for You?

Are you wondering when someone in the treatment program is going to advocate and act for your interests? I’m talking about basic stuff—like what you need to know right now about his sexual and sexualized activities, or responding to your concerns that having him around right now makes you hypervigilant and unable to function, or asking them to recognize that blaming you for his behaviours is particularly heinous, etc.

Well, I hope you are wearing comfortable shoes. It will be a long wait.

The relationship paradigm underneath the prevailing treatment program (as with the many religious groups involved with recovery programs for men called sex addicts) is based on the man’s best interests being served first, foremost, always. It’s not a temporary therapeutic priority. It’s permanent. You don’t get an adult back as a life partner. You get a treatment industry approved non-adult project. And often a mean one, at that.

Read More
Mid-week Gotta Share~Retreats Just For YOU!

Tania Rochelle, MS LPC NCC (and most importantly—a guest blogger here!) has launched her website, https://sweetwaterretreats.com and her FB page Sweetwater Retreats. Of particular interest is that she is offering three retreats for wives and partners of sex addicts in three different locations. Registration is limited to eight. As well as being a licensed counsellor and teacher, Tania is a publisher writer who uses all her training to develop tools to treat our trauma symptoms. She is a great listener and will be there for you. Also, every participant will receive a follow-up session with me that is included in the retreat fees. Check out the dates and locations here: https://sweetwaterretreats.com/ Scroll down the homepage for retreat fees and dates.

You also might know Tania from Episode 2, Part 1 of PoSARC’s Survivor series. Lili Bee talks with Tania about her experience extricating herself from her life with a man called a sex addict (not once but twice!) and how she is enjoying a life of freedom now, as well as a new relationship that is positively different from the one she left behind. You can watch that video on http://www.posarc.com/ home page. Just scroll down past a few other videos and there it is!

Read More
You asked for more: Boundaries and Consequences

Your feedback from “The Big Boundary Bluff” (posted two weeks ago) kept me busy for days as messages poured into my inbox. Thank you for taking the time to write. The blog travelled widely and much discussion ensued: women were screaming “YESSSSSSSS!” and panicked men called sex addicts got busy mansplaining boundaries to me—at least till they noticed too many wives and partners on the forums were walking through the prison door they’d just realized had been unlocked all the time. Too late! Too late! They’re getting away!

1.     Why are these men so panicked when you stop making up boundaries to curtail and direct their behaviors?

The moment you stop creating boundaries that men really already know, the jig is up.

Read More