Posts tagged recovery ploys
The Big Boundary Bluff

I received a message this week from an exasperated wife. She had come to realize the farce of all the boundary work she had been asked to do to save him and their marriage. Nearly ten years ago I remember thinking the same thing about all the “keep ‘em busy and let them think it will make a difference” boundary work the industry and even partner advocates espoused. Somehow it just didn’t make a lot of sense.

And nearly ten years later, I have a better idea of why it didn’t make sense then, and now. So, I’ve listed the points I believe wives and partners should consider before they comply with the industry’s boundary homework assignments.

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Magic Words

They aren’t the same for all wives and partners, but they have a lot in common.

Magic Words are the words you try to imagine your compulsive-abusive sexual-relational disordered man saying that would “change everything.” They are the words that would tell you he was different now—but not just different because some of his secrets were exposed and he has to do massive damage control. The magic words would tell you he was no longer cruel, that he was trustworthy, that he was who you thought he was instead of who he turned out to be, that he wouldn’t lie again or play Russian roulette with your heart, soul, body and mind.

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Recovery Down So Low You Can't Get Under It

Another week has passed. And it’s been another week of wives and partners broken, enraged, diseased, and frantic to learn what their best options are and find some relief from his abuse—abuse now amplified by the treatment model and its practitioners.

Some weeks I want to scream. But instead I’m going to tackle yet another topic on the buffet table of recovery bullshit. This week’s blog is about the imaginary “reasonable expectations and accountability” bar that you will spend your time and energy creating so that he and his team can beat you upside the head with it any time you bring it into the conversation. The first piece of the imaginary bar are your boundaries. 

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