Posts tagged core values
The Big Boundary Bluff

I received a message this week from an exasperated wife. She had come to realize the farce of all the boundary work she had been asked to do to save him and their marriage. Nearly ten years ago I remember thinking the same thing about all the “keep ‘em busy and let them think it will make a difference” boundary work the industry and even partner advocates espoused. Somehow it just didn’t make a lot of sense.

And nearly ten years later, I have a better idea of why it didn’t make sense then, and now. So, I’ve listed the points I believe wives and partners should consider before they comply with the industry’s boundary homework assignments.

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self-care, therapeutic abuse, making decisionsDiane Stricklandboundaries for partners, partners look after themselves, core values, recovery ploys, therapeutic incompetence
Magic Words

They aren’t the same for all wives and partners, but they have a lot in common.

Magic Words are the words you try to imagine your compulsive-abusive sexual-relational disordered man saying that would “change everything.” They are the words that would tell you he was different now—but not just different because some of his secrets were exposed and he has to do massive damage control. The magic words would tell you he was no longer cruel, that he was trustworthy, that he was who you thought he was instead of who he turned out to be, that he wouldn’t lie again or play Russian roulette with your heart, soul, body and mind.

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self-care, fake regretDiane Stricklandsex addict regrets, recovery ploys, sex addicts manipulate, sex addicts tricks, sex addicts feel sorry for themselves, core values, lying
Trying To Do The Right Thing

We are women of integrity and caring. We think about the wellbeing of others, even when those others have hurt us. Our high level core values are real. They inspire us, guide us and constrain us. We may rant and cry and swear about the cruelty visited upon us by the person we loved and their treatment gang, but when push comes to shove it’s very hard for us to make a decision without asking “What is the right thing to do here?”

 It’s ironic. This is the very question about which our men called sex addicts have no concerns and never ask as they overtly and covertly abuse us (and sometimes our children, too). The core values that would give this question voice are not values that hold their lives together and interpret what their lives mean.

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making decisions, self-careDiane Stricklanddoing the right thing, the right thing for you, core values, partner integrity, tell your story, partners look after themselves, telling the truth about him, telling the truth of your life, overcoming fear of truth