Wondering what on earth I discuss with clients?
The problem with our problem is that none of us start out knowing what the real questions are. We are so behind from the start and I don’t believe we ever catch up—partly because we never know if he ever tells us everything. Then, we are usually so fixated on his recovery that we get ambushed by the reality of what we actually need to know and need to know fast: like getting tested for STD’s/STI’s no matter WHAT he or his “team” says, how to manage day to day, why you would see a lawyer when you don’t plan on divorcing him, what to tell and who to tell, how to deal with children’s questions and what NOT to say to them, how to manage these weird and upsetting symptoms you start exhibiting, etc. The panic women feel often leads them to simply do what the treatment industry tells them to do, without asking if it’s in their best interests or the best interests of their children—or if the treatment will actually give you back the man you thought you had.
So, no blog this week, but check out my coaching page and see all the important topics you could be discussing with me.
It’s always great to meet you. Let me know when it’s time.
diane@yourstoryissafehere.com
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First Things and Second Things
Thank you, subscribers, for your ongoing interest in my blog about topics arising from my life and work with wives and partners of men called sex addicts.
This hard work is also holy work to me. It draws on “first things” of what it means for me to be a human being in this world—being true, investing in people, seeking justice, and finding humour in the midst of it all. These are first things for me. But l also want to introduce you to “second things.” “Second things” are the epiphanies that break through all our life survival patterns and success strategies and show us what we need to understand in order to be more than we have been in our lives. “First things” seem like a part of us. “Second things” are about going deeper in our lives because of how our life unfolds.
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Everybody Breathe
I need to stop and take a breath.
The focus I have put on whole family care in the last five blogs has been tough. It hit home to so many women. It meant many of us looked back at those years of discovery/recovery/non-recovery and could see that our children—no matter what their age—were not factored in for attention, gentle inquiry and careful listening.
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In My Opinion, Where Do We Go From Here?
Over the last ten years I’ve been pulling back the curtain on the strange and ongoing train wreck of treatment options for compulsive-abusive sexual relationship disordered men and their wives and families. In my opinion there is no evidence-based publishable research available to back up what was being marketed (I searched and searched and am still searching after ten years.) Religious-based versions soon sprang up around it and are now closely allied to it. “Believers” already enrolled in faith-based organizations may be seamlessly transferred into affiliated treatment programs that are easily shrink-wrapped in the religious propositions of the day. Once there, the theories and methods go unchallenged by women who are desperate, traumatized and already conforming to their religious community’s direction and authority.
As long as the compulsive-abusive sexual relational disordered man is reinstated as some version of the spiritual and authoritative head of the household, success is declared. The women and children are there to do what they are told. Meanwhile his true core values that actually run the show are never named or unseated. And in describing that situation I am reminded of a New Testament professor from seminary days (now in Glory) who used to say in his thick Irish accent “Onward Christian soldiers, marching as to war, with the cross of Jesus…vaguely in our minds.”
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Living Differently into These Hard Truths
After four weeks of examining how men call sex addicts harm their wives, partners, children and step-children, we need to hit the pause button, catch our breath and see what we’ve learned. So, in today’s blog I’m going to talk about how we live with the truths that we have found the courage to speak, face, hear, and validate.
Before I do that, I want to honor that remarkable courage! Your persistence in reading the blog and validating the hard stories shared over the last four weeks bears witness to your commitment to the value of your lives and your children’s lives. Please don’t lose sight of that! Keep it in front of you at all times. Say it out loud. Talk about it to yourself and to your children. Validate and affirm over and over again. The power of his fake life to make you all doubt yourselves and feel less than “enough” must be undermined by the power of your real lives as a loving wife/partner and loving children/stepchildren.
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